Good Intentions...

Well, keeping up with this blog is proving harder than expected. Like all of my good intentions (running, scrapbooking, meal planning, laundry Thursday...) I start out strong and then somehow life gets in the way. Why is it our passions and desires seem to take a back seat to everything else that is pressing? In fact, before even sitting down to write this today I have: cooked dinner, cleaned the house, done two loads of laundry, cleaned out the front hall closet to prepare for winter stuff, feed two children two meals, changed countless diapers, and taxied to and from pre-school - throw in 7 verses of wheels on the bus and a sink full of dishes (thanks to a broken dishwasher) and I finally gave myself permission to take a deep breath and connect with what's going on in my heart.

I've been thinking a lot lately about being a stay at home mom. Staying home is my choice, and I am blessed that I can. I have friends that wish they could be home and friends who are better Moms because they work. When John and I were moving from New York, we had a serious conversation about where to live. If we moved to LA, I would work and John would stay home with the kids (back when we thought we'd have that honeymoon baby!) Chicago - John would work and I would stay home, but for us, it was important for one of us to be home with our children. Back at the height of my career as a television producer - LA sounded promising. After ten years in the industry I had made a place for myself and who knows how far I could have gone had we moved west. Ultimately, I knew I wanted to be in the suburbs of Chicago, near my family and friends and raise my children the way I was raised.

What I didn't know is how hard it would be. Let's be honest, the idea of being a "stay at home" mom lends itself to the thinking - you have so much time, your house will always be clean, meals always prepared, children clean and entertained.....yeah that's not my house. Is it yours?

The reality is it never ends. Every time I think i have a handle on my house, bills, paperwork, laundry, craft time, bible study, friendships, play dates.....it all starts again. Then throw in a dash of Mommy guilt and I wonder why I collapse exhausted at the end of the day into a recliner thankful for my DVR.

It's the guilt - it's the "I stay at home so I should have it all together" guilt. It's feeling like it's never enough. Then it's the guilt when I hit the wall and I NEED to be away from my children. I need to browse a bookstore with a cup of coffee, I need to run (ahem...run/walk) and feel the tension leave my body, I need to curl up in bed with a great book for just 20 minutes on a Saturday morning. Does it mean I don't love my children or I failed somehow this week? I hope not because I would really be falling short. I think the challenges for Mom's that work vs stay home are different but so much the same. I imagine there is guilt on the other side - though I won't speak for something I haven't experienced.

This stay at home mom needs time to feed her soul, recharge her batteries, and breath deep. So, if you stop by my house this week, it may not clean, there may be dishes in the sink and take out on the counter, but my children will be happy because they have a mom who knows that taking care of herself is just as important as taking care of them. C'mon over, I'll open a bottle of wine and we can talk all about our good intentions.