Destiny

I pulled out a bin of clothes for my daughter Lu the other day marked 9-12 months. Inside were items from my niece (who is turning 14 this year) that I salvaged one summer when my sister was sending everything to good will. Ten years ago I folded the little outfits and lovingly stored them away never dreaming the route my journey to Motherhood would take. That story is long and worthy of it's own post someday but the gist is that after 5 years of infertility we started down the adoption road. Even that journey proved hard and rocky though it ended in a beautiful baby boy, J.

Months before our adoption of J however we were matched with an eight month old baby girl named Destiny. After such a long and disappointing route to being a Mother, I was apprehensive about this match. The birth mother had been parenting and decided she really wanted to place. My husband and I met the baby girl numerous times and though guarded fell in love with her. Her caramel skin, big dark eyes, happy smile. I remember the moment sitting at a chain breakfast restaurant with my social worker and C when she said "I want you to parent Destiny". Could this really be happening? As we moved closer to placement day, I slowly began sharing our news, I even allowed myself to go out and buy some 9 month clothes. It wasn't until 24 hours until placement that i actually took the tags off and washed everything folding them in the drawers in the nursery that had sat empty for so long.

Then once again...our world collapsed. The news was given to me sitting in the adoption office where placement was meant to happen. C had changed her mind and she was going to parent. I could barely call my husband between my sobs. Clearly in the moment, I could only see my own despair, and what was "suppose" to be right for me. I went home, packed up the clothes and shut the door to the nursery.

When I opened the bright pink bin the other day, in the bottom were the clothes meant for Destiny. Without too much thought at the moment I washed them and put them in Lu's drawers. It wasn't until I was organizing her things for Fall/Winter that I really looked at them and remembered their original purpose. It seems so long ago, when I held another little baby girl in my arms and whispered "I'm going to be your Mom". It wasn't meant to be.

While childless, the shower is where I would stand forever under the hot water, and sob and pray and plead with God for a baby, my baby. It was the one place I let my true emotions out because everywhere else I was strong, and capable and patient in "the plan". Life's plan...God's plan.

It's ironic now with two children under three that the shower is the last place any thinking is going on let alone praying or pleading - unless I'm pleading for my son to stop throwing his toy boats at my ankles. Once in awhile though, usually when both children are occupied in their cribs or when there is another adult in the house and I can shower longer than 3 minutes, I have time for a prayer. Now, it is a prayer of thanks, thanks because now I am a Mom. I could never have imagined on the day that I said goodbye to Destiny, how much life had in store for me. A son to adopt, a daughter to give birth to....amazing gifts and perfect for us. We did have our own destiny and I wouldn't change a single struggle to sit where I am now, bruised ankles, short showers and all.

The Mom I want to be....

I want to be the kind of Mom who:

-purees carrots and mixes them in my homemade zucchini bread so my kids have an extra helping of veggies
-makes her own play dough in different colors
-has a craft each day that corresponds with the "letter of the week" I'm studying with my pre-schooler
-showers everyday and puts on a cute outfit with make-up and hair done (this of course after working out first thing in the morning before the kids are up)
-plans her menus for the month and includes only things that are freshly cooked (no frozen here) and feeds her kids things like baked salmon or a fancy curry dishes (and have children that actually eat them)
-does yoga, meditates, reads the bible, has the laundry done, keeps an organized pantry all in the 3 hours the children are napping

I am the Mom who:

-makes banana bread from a Trader Joe's box and eats half of it before feeding it to the kids for a snack
-has been so frustrated with the lack of vegetable eating in the house, has actually stooped to shoving carrots into my poor son's mouth yelling - you will eat this! (not one my finer parenting moments)
-has craft day once every two weeks after reading someone else's blog about the daily craft time and feels guilty I don't finger paint with my son
-throws my hair in a ponytail, dashes on some lip gloss and calls it a day
-plans my menu for the week - posts it and a list for the grocery store on the fridge, forgets all about it and completely wings it at the grocery store, find menu and list months later under all the papers covering the fridge
-hates yoga, can't find my bible, is too ADD to meditate, actually keeps up with the laundry and doesn't actually have a pantry.


BUT - I am also a Mom who:

-rocks my almost three year old before bed singing Wheels on the Bus 7 times because I know the day will come he will no longer want to cuddle with me
-is the only one who can kiss a boo-boo and make it better
-still cuts up grapes into small pieces and also has the favorite fruit of the week on hand
-tries to keep meals balanced and healthy but knows a "ookie" or an "o-nut" can really make an afternoon snack special
-lays on the floor and plays trains for hours
-brings my son downstairs at 9pm at night when he can't sleep so we can sit outside and look at the full moon, which is one of his top three favorite things in the world
-and who loves both her children more than anything else in the world and will always and forever put them before anything else in my life.

Why the name...

Certainly I could find something a bit more flattering to call myself, but the absolute love of my life calls me Big Mama - no not my husband - him I would clobber. My almost three year old son. J has had some difficulty with speech and has been delayed in speaking. As he reached some new milestones this summer one was describing things with the word BIG. As in biiiiig bubbles, biiiiig train, biiiig plane, all things he absolutely loves. So I'd like to think it was a natural transition, all the things he loves he describes as "big" - so of course I'd be "Big Mama". Sadly, it didn't happen that way. My dear niece and wonderful husband thought it would be so funny to have J say Biiiiig Mama and after the reaction he received, rolling on the floor laughter by said husband and niece....it stuck. I will say though my beautiful son could call me anything when he has his sticky hands around my neck and his head buried on my shoulder.

I do wish however that when I drop him off at pre-school he could pick something else to yell, the other parents are giving me looks.

One in a Million....

Another new blog…probably the last thing the cyber world needs but I suppose everyone has a story to tell. I want to write. I want to write about being a mom, being an adoptive mom, being a Christian, being a woman who was many things before embarking on this journey of Motherhood. I want to keep record of the highs and lows, the joys and struggles, and all the craziness in between. I know I will be ”just another voice” in a sea of millions of bloggers, but I hope my experiences, my passion for telling stories and my humor will intrigue you enough to come along for the ride.