Destiny

I pulled out a bin of clothes for my daughter Lu the other day marked 9-12 months. Inside were items from my niece (who is turning 14 this year) that I salvaged one summer when my sister was sending everything to good will. Ten years ago I folded the little outfits and lovingly stored them away never dreaming the route my journey to Motherhood would take. That story is long and worthy of it's own post someday but the gist is that after 5 years of infertility we started down the adoption road. Even that journey proved hard and rocky though it ended in a beautiful baby boy, J.

Months before our adoption of J however we were matched with an eight month old baby girl named Destiny. After such a long and disappointing route to being a Mother, I was apprehensive about this match. The birth mother had been parenting and decided she really wanted to place. My husband and I met the baby girl numerous times and though guarded fell in love with her. Her caramel skin, big dark eyes, happy smile. I remember the moment sitting at a chain breakfast restaurant with my social worker and C when she said "I want you to parent Destiny". Could this really be happening? As we moved closer to placement day, I slowly began sharing our news, I even allowed myself to go out and buy some 9 month clothes. It wasn't until 24 hours until placement that i actually took the tags off and washed everything folding them in the drawers in the nursery that had sat empty for so long.

Then once again...our world collapsed. The news was given to me sitting in the adoption office where placement was meant to happen. C had changed her mind and she was going to parent. I could barely call my husband between my sobs. Clearly in the moment, I could only see my own despair, and what was "suppose" to be right for me. I went home, packed up the clothes and shut the door to the nursery.

When I opened the bright pink bin the other day, in the bottom were the clothes meant for Destiny. Without too much thought at the moment I washed them and put them in Lu's drawers. It wasn't until I was organizing her things for Fall/Winter that I really looked at them and remembered their original purpose. It seems so long ago, when I held another little baby girl in my arms and whispered "I'm going to be your Mom". It wasn't meant to be.

While childless, the shower is where I would stand forever under the hot water, and sob and pray and plead with God for a baby, my baby. It was the one place I let my true emotions out because everywhere else I was strong, and capable and patient in "the plan". Life's plan...God's plan.

It's ironic now with two children under three that the shower is the last place any thinking is going on let alone praying or pleading - unless I'm pleading for my son to stop throwing his toy boats at my ankles. Once in awhile though, usually when both children are occupied in their cribs or when there is another adult in the house and I can shower longer than 3 minutes, I have time for a prayer. Now, it is a prayer of thanks, thanks because now I am a Mom. I could never have imagined on the day that I said goodbye to Destiny, how much life had in store for me. A son to adopt, a daughter to give birth to....amazing gifts and perfect for us. We did have our own destiny and I wouldn't change a single struggle to sit where I am now, bruised ankles, short showers and all.