A New Year....

Ahhh....a new year - a fresh start - a list a mile long of all the "resolutions" to get done.

I'm not a big fan of resolutions because like everyone else mine seem to just be an opportunity to set me up to fail. I do however get into the purging, cleaning and organizing mode anytime there is a chance to re-set my life - January first being a prime opportunity.

This year however, it is my 40th year. Yes - the big 4-0 will roll around early July. The thing that freaks me out the most is that I remember, though I was very little, my Father's 40th birthday party at my childhood home. Peeking out around the hallway, I saw all of my parents friends in the living room laughing and living, right in the middle of the chaos that is now my life. I could never conjure up what 40 would look like for me when I was say 18 or 20. I could barely get past thinking of being 30. I had lists miles long then about what I would accomplish before the big 3-0. I must admit, I ticked off most of that list (the biggest being running a marathon, and traveling to Africa). My 30's brought a bit more stability - a serious relationship and marriage, a commitment to my work and reaching a high level in my profession, and then many struggles too as we tried to have children and lost precious people in our lives. But here I am - 39.5 years old - with two beautiful, amazing children, a warm home, a loving husband and a fantastic circle of family and friends who enrich my life. Was it Oprah that said - your 40's is when you get to reap what you have sown? I can only hope.

But I wouldn't be me if I didn't have a list of things I'd love to accomplish so I have compiled "40 things in my 40th year" - 40 things by 40 seemed too unrealistic since that would only give me 6 months. Truthfully, at this stage in my life I was a bit hard pressed to find 40 things (since trekking Antarctica or Nepal is out with two small kids) so some may seem mundane or silly but hopefully each one will enrich my life, my family, my health or my community in some way. Follow along, steal an idea or take a nap and be happy you don't have a list!!

40 things in my 40th year

Health

1. Lose 20 pounds (hopefully by July 10th - the last of the stubborn fertility weight)
2. Take care of my teeth (need fillings and fixes)
3. Sign up for 3 triathlons (June, July and August)
4. Do a long distance bike race
5. Get a mammogram

Family

6. Scrapbook Jack and Lucy's first years
7. Jack's life book (for adoption)
8. Move piano and get it tuned
9. Paint and redo Living room
10. Update our bedroom - nice makeover
11. Family vacation
12. Set up Lucy college fund
13. Date nights and putting marriage first
14. Try and journal once a week in children's books
15. Purge and organize Kid's rooms
16. Get a Family portrait taken
17. Visit Jack's birth family

Community

18. work at the food pantry
19. volunteer at church in some capacity (teach summer sunday school, mentor HS)
20. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter


For ME

21. Blog more
22. Submit article to MOPS magazine
23. Re-write children's story and send it out again...and again...
24. Find out what i need to do to get my teacher certificate valid again and do it
25. Nurture important friendships
26. Go on a solo weekend away like I used to - to re-charge and re-energize
27. NYC trip with Hubby to celebrate my 40th. spend a few days re-living our
courtship
28. Finally have that garage sale and purge this house
29. Once I've lost the fertility weight go and buy some classic wardrobe pieces
30. Get a hair/make - up makeover
31. Girl's 40th birthday weekend!
32. Do our will


Ok - so I'm short 8. I'm sure as I move along I will come up with some more ideas. I do have the whole year. Shout out a suggestion if you have one!

Tis the season....

for HOLIDAY BAGGAGE!

No no....not that kind of baggage even though we all have some!

Holiday Baggage the movie!

My good friend and Chicago suburb local Cathy Rubey has written and produced her first movie. It was shot all over Chicago and the suburbs in 2008. The movie is about "...a marriage and family who rediscovers the meaning of Christmas when pediatrician by day, single mom by night, Sarah invites her estranged pilot husband, Pete, back to their suburban home for the holidays on one condition--he must reconcile with their daughters before she agrees to finalize their trial separation with divorce."

Holiday Baggage has been picked up by Lifetime to air during this holiday season! It is a must see for the holidays. I may be a bit biased, since I initially was involved as a prouder - but I had to bow out of production because as we were scouting a location for the movie I got the phone call that changed my life - we were chosen to be Jack's parents. When we returned home to Chicago a few weeks later - shooting was in full swing and they still had yet to cast the baby in the movie...so...you see where this is going....My SON is the star!

Ok...actually Barry Bostwick and Cheryl Ladd are the stars but don't tell Jack (or the Grandma's). Imagine having a dream to write a movie, and while raising twin girls you write, re-write, and re-write, raise money, get connected in Hollywood, land two celebs, book a crew, scout locations, shoot, edit and publicize your film - and two years later it lands on TV! We all have those "I really want to....." and then have million excuses why we don't do it. Cathy actually did it!

So tune in and check your local listings but according to the Lifetime website, Holiday Baggage will be broadcast on December 12th at 3pm (Eastern); December 20th at 8pm (Eastern); and December 21st at 12am (Eastern).

After you watch, please visit My Lifetime, register (it's super-easy) and leave a comment. The more positive the responses they receive, the more likely they will replay the movie!!

Let's start a new holiday movie tradition watching my baby boy Jack - I mean...Barry and Cheryl and the whole Holiday Baggage crew! Don't forget to leave a comment!

Liar Liar pants on fire......

I have to start by saying I stole this idea for a post from my friend who mentioned she read about this topic on someone else's blog. So credit is given to the blogger who went before me.

With that said, do you lie to your children? GASP! I do. A lot. I didn't realize it until my friend and I talked about the little white lies that pepper our day and if it's wrong or not.

"We're out of Lucky Charms" (as I use a pancake box to hide them and pull out the cheerios)
"The computer has to go night night"
"Mommy's phone is broken"
"That toy isn't for sale"

It goes on and on...they are out of my mouth before I decide if it's right or wrong. It's how I can navigate my day with a toddler and a 10 month old. J is almost three and maybe I can get away with it more because he doesn't really question much yet. Still takes my word as gold. What will happen I wonder when the "whys" start coming? How far will I be willing to go - multiple lies? The interesting thing is I really didn't realize how much I was doing it until I started to watch for it. White lies get us through our day. Sometimes kindness trumps truth. Although with children we're not really doing it out of kindness more out of survival. But I want to instill in my children the quality of truth and that lying for the most part is bad (especially to me). I'm sure when my children are teenagers I won't appreciate their white lies.

"I only had one beer"
"I don't really have any homework"
"Their parents will be home I swear...."

So even though long explanations will take more time, and really communicating with a three year old may just go right over his head, I am going to try and watch my lies. My first attempt was at Trader Joe's yesterday - it went like this:

J: Balloons?
Me: There are no balloons here anymore
J: Balloons? (looking at me questioningly)
Me: There aren't any balloons here anymore because they are bad for the environment, and when they pop, birds can eat them and then they can choke and.....and....(sputtering)
Cashier: (looking at me like I am absolutely crazy) Umm....we have stickers.
Me: Stickers! Yeah! Let's have stickers!
J: No balloons?
Me: The balloons are sleeping in the back. (grab stickers from chuckling cashier)

Oh well....there is always tomorrow.

Good Intentions...

Well, keeping up with this blog is proving harder than expected. Like all of my good intentions (running, scrapbooking, meal planning, laundry Thursday...) I start out strong and then somehow life gets in the way. Why is it our passions and desires seem to take a back seat to everything else that is pressing? In fact, before even sitting down to write this today I have: cooked dinner, cleaned the house, done two loads of laundry, cleaned out the front hall closet to prepare for winter stuff, feed two children two meals, changed countless diapers, and taxied to and from pre-school - throw in 7 verses of wheels on the bus and a sink full of dishes (thanks to a broken dishwasher) and I finally gave myself permission to take a deep breath and connect with what's going on in my heart.

I've been thinking a lot lately about being a stay at home mom. Staying home is my choice, and I am blessed that I can. I have friends that wish they could be home and friends who are better Moms because they work. When John and I were moving from New York, we had a serious conversation about where to live. If we moved to LA, I would work and John would stay home with the kids (back when we thought we'd have that honeymoon baby!) Chicago - John would work and I would stay home, but for us, it was important for one of us to be home with our children. Back at the height of my career as a television producer - LA sounded promising. After ten years in the industry I had made a place for myself and who knows how far I could have gone had we moved west. Ultimately, I knew I wanted to be in the suburbs of Chicago, near my family and friends and raise my children the way I was raised.

What I didn't know is how hard it would be. Let's be honest, the idea of being a "stay at home" mom lends itself to the thinking - you have so much time, your house will always be clean, meals always prepared, children clean and entertained.....yeah that's not my house. Is it yours?

The reality is it never ends. Every time I think i have a handle on my house, bills, paperwork, laundry, craft time, bible study, friendships, play dates.....it all starts again. Then throw in a dash of Mommy guilt and I wonder why I collapse exhausted at the end of the day into a recliner thankful for my DVR.

It's the guilt - it's the "I stay at home so I should have it all together" guilt. It's feeling like it's never enough. Then it's the guilt when I hit the wall and I NEED to be away from my children. I need to browse a bookstore with a cup of coffee, I need to run (ahem...run/walk) and feel the tension leave my body, I need to curl up in bed with a great book for just 20 minutes on a Saturday morning. Does it mean I don't love my children or I failed somehow this week? I hope not because I would really be falling short. I think the challenges for Mom's that work vs stay home are different but so much the same. I imagine there is guilt on the other side - though I won't speak for something I haven't experienced.

This stay at home mom needs time to feed her soul, recharge her batteries, and breath deep. So, if you stop by my house this week, it may not clean, there may be dishes in the sink and take out on the counter, but my children will be happy because they have a mom who knows that taking care of herself is just as important as taking care of them. C'mon over, I'll open a bottle of wine and we can talk all about our good intentions.

Destiny

I pulled out a bin of clothes for my daughter Lu the other day marked 9-12 months. Inside were items from my niece (who is turning 14 this year) that I salvaged one summer when my sister was sending everything to good will. Ten years ago I folded the little outfits and lovingly stored them away never dreaming the route my journey to Motherhood would take. That story is long and worthy of it's own post someday but the gist is that after 5 years of infertility we started down the adoption road. Even that journey proved hard and rocky though it ended in a beautiful baby boy, J.

Months before our adoption of J however we were matched with an eight month old baby girl named Destiny. After such a long and disappointing route to being a Mother, I was apprehensive about this match. The birth mother had been parenting and decided she really wanted to place. My husband and I met the baby girl numerous times and though guarded fell in love with her. Her caramel skin, big dark eyes, happy smile. I remember the moment sitting at a chain breakfast restaurant with my social worker and C when she said "I want you to parent Destiny". Could this really be happening? As we moved closer to placement day, I slowly began sharing our news, I even allowed myself to go out and buy some 9 month clothes. It wasn't until 24 hours until placement that i actually took the tags off and washed everything folding them in the drawers in the nursery that had sat empty for so long.

Then once again...our world collapsed. The news was given to me sitting in the adoption office where placement was meant to happen. C had changed her mind and she was going to parent. I could barely call my husband between my sobs. Clearly in the moment, I could only see my own despair, and what was "suppose" to be right for me. I went home, packed up the clothes and shut the door to the nursery.

When I opened the bright pink bin the other day, in the bottom were the clothes meant for Destiny. Without too much thought at the moment I washed them and put them in Lu's drawers. It wasn't until I was organizing her things for Fall/Winter that I really looked at them and remembered their original purpose. It seems so long ago, when I held another little baby girl in my arms and whispered "I'm going to be your Mom". It wasn't meant to be.

While childless, the shower is where I would stand forever under the hot water, and sob and pray and plead with God for a baby, my baby. It was the one place I let my true emotions out because everywhere else I was strong, and capable and patient in "the plan". Life's plan...God's plan.

It's ironic now with two children under three that the shower is the last place any thinking is going on let alone praying or pleading - unless I'm pleading for my son to stop throwing his toy boats at my ankles. Once in awhile though, usually when both children are occupied in their cribs or when there is another adult in the house and I can shower longer than 3 minutes, I have time for a prayer. Now, it is a prayer of thanks, thanks because now I am a Mom. I could never have imagined on the day that I said goodbye to Destiny, how much life had in store for me. A son to adopt, a daughter to give birth to....amazing gifts and perfect for us. We did have our own destiny and I wouldn't change a single struggle to sit where I am now, bruised ankles, short showers and all.

The Mom I want to be....

I want to be the kind of Mom who:

-purees carrots and mixes them in my homemade zucchini bread so my kids have an extra helping of veggies
-makes her own play dough in different colors
-has a craft each day that corresponds with the "letter of the week" I'm studying with my pre-schooler
-showers everyday and puts on a cute outfit with make-up and hair done (this of course after working out first thing in the morning before the kids are up)
-plans her menus for the month and includes only things that are freshly cooked (no frozen here) and feeds her kids things like baked salmon or a fancy curry dishes (and have children that actually eat them)
-does yoga, meditates, reads the bible, has the laundry done, keeps an organized pantry all in the 3 hours the children are napping

I am the Mom who:

-makes banana bread from a Trader Joe's box and eats half of it before feeding it to the kids for a snack
-has been so frustrated with the lack of vegetable eating in the house, has actually stooped to shoving carrots into my poor son's mouth yelling - you will eat this! (not one my finer parenting moments)
-has craft day once every two weeks after reading someone else's blog about the daily craft time and feels guilty I don't finger paint with my son
-throws my hair in a ponytail, dashes on some lip gloss and calls it a day
-plans my menu for the week - posts it and a list for the grocery store on the fridge, forgets all about it and completely wings it at the grocery store, find menu and list months later under all the papers covering the fridge
-hates yoga, can't find my bible, is too ADD to meditate, actually keeps up with the laundry and doesn't actually have a pantry.


BUT - I am also a Mom who:

-rocks my almost three year old before bed singing Wheels on the Bus 7 times because I know the day will come he will no longer want to cuddle with me
-is the only one who can kiss a boo-boo and make it better
-still cuts up grapes into small pieces and also has the favorite fruit of the week on hand
-tries to keep meals balanced and healthy but knows a "ookie" or an "o-nut" can really make an afternoon snack special
-lays on the floor and plays trains for hours
-brings my son downstairs at 9pm at night when he can't sleep so we can sit outside and look at the full moon, which is one of his top three favorite things in the world
-and who loves both her children more than anything else in the world and will always and forever put them before anything else in my life.

Why the name...

Certainly I could find something a bit more flattering to call myself, but the absolute love of my life calls me Big Mama - no not my husband - him I would clobber. My almost three year old son. J has had some difficulty with speech and has been delayed in speaking. As he reached some new milestones this summer one was describing things with the word BIG. As in biiiiig bubbles, biiiiig train, biiiig plane, all things he absolutely loves. So I'd like to think it was a natural transition, all the things he loves he describes as "big" - so of course I'd be "Big Mama". Sadly, it didn't happen that way. My dear niece and wonderful husband thought it would be so funny to have J say Biiiiig Mama and after the reaction he received, rolling on the floor laughter by said husband and niece....it stuck. I will say though my beautiful son could call me anything when he has his sticky hands around my neck and his head buried on my shoulder.

I do wish however that when I drop him off at pre-school he could pick something else to yell, the other parents are giving me looks.